Friends, or what?

We had some people over for dinner last night, and conversation turned to the topic of friends. Who are they? Are they real, or are they simply relationships of circumstance? This topic came up, as I was recounting my experience from the previous day, which incidentally, is not the first time something like this has happened with this group.

I was a part of a cycling group in Adelaide, for about 7 years or so. Each week, one of the guys sends out an email, to a group of around 30 guys, that recounts the previous week's ride, and explains the route we would ride the next Saturday morning. This has been happening for over 10 years, of which, I had participated for around 7 of them, that is, until we left Adelaide and moved to Melbourne.

Now, I had spent a lot of time with these blokes, as cycling is a time hungry sport. We had shared many good days and nights out, been to each others weddings, parties, births, and drank many coffees and beers together. We all got along well, so too did the girls, but, are these people really my friends?

I replied to the group email, letting them know that I would be back in town this coming weekend, and that I hoped the weather was good, so that I could come out and ride with them again. It has been around 3 months since I left, and I indicated it would be good to see them.

Not 1 person replied. Not only that, a few members of the group, had an email conversation, replying to all, on another topic all together! Later that day, one of the guys wrote to me, personally, saying it will be good to see me, and perhaps I will move back for good, soon. Huh, that was a nice thing to say.

Once we knew this trip was booked, my wife and I had already contacted our "friends", some of them ride in this group, and told them individually that we are coming back, and we have organised to see them. I guess the fact that we have all made this effort, says something in itself.

It got me thinking, is it the group email communication that makes people uncomfortable? Do they expect more of me? Do they not really care that I am coming back? Or, is it that our friendship was a result of circumstance, and that's it?

Now, I am sure that when I see these guys, either this trip or another, things will be fine. We will have much to talk about, and history to draw from, but that doesn't make them all my friends. I'm not pouting at not receiving an email, although it may sound like it, and the fact that I told them to get fucked via Twitter that day! I just thought it interesting that all bar one, couldn't find the time to hit reply, type something, and then hit send.

It's been a really interesting process, moving cities. You find out quite quickly, who makes the effort to stay in touch, who of your group that you interact with would be there for you if you needed them, and where you fit in the realm of other people's life. It doesn't seem at all necessary to make conscious decisions about who your friends are, or are not, they are sorted by action, not by word.

It would seem from this unintended social experiment, the term "friend" has many meanings, and perhaps it is given out far too easily, in the absence of a more appropriate word.